It has been a while since I made time to sit and write a blog about the road that has lead me to where I am at the moment. One reason for it was because I am really busy with work and another part of me probably needed some time to digest and reflect on a lot of things that was shaken to the surface again. I want to mention again that this is not at all about the people in the story and whether they are good or bad, because we all have the capacity to be the shadow version or the light version of ourselves. This is more the blueprint of my perception and how it has changed throughout the years. The names are not relevant and the order is a chronological.
This part of my life I was between the ages of 12 and 19. This is where I stepped into living from my heart chakra more noticeably for myself. My mom sent me a letter I wrote to her asking her why I fall in love so easily. I couldn’t help it. At this point in my life I was scared to feel anything other than love. Or this is what I thought. If I look back now I realize that I was simply attracting people into my life that was a reflection of how I treated myself. I gave others permission to treat me like I did. Because well, this was what I was used to and that was how my inner voice spoke to me so it was normal and the only way I knew. I was never the one to fool around and have one night stands. I always found myself in a long term relationship, not because I felt the need for dependency, quite the opposite actually. I am a Leo cusp so my pride gets in the way of me accepting help sometimes, okay most of the time. I think it was more a sense of belonging somewhere, and also a part of myself that was afraid of being alone. Now I understand completely why, because I wasn’t very nice to myself. I was constantly criticizing myself, locking myself away in a shell while going to a school with more than 1000 children.
I never had one friend group where we connected and I felt liked in their presence. It felt like I was hopping from one friend group to the other. Never having a problem with any of them but also not feeling any gravity to keep me there. It can also be true that I was just judging myself too hard and felt shame and that I should find a way to escape. I was constantly trying to reinvent myself and hence my friendships were real but never long lasting.
The only place I felt like I was striving and working for myself was academically. I didn’t need to be selfless for anyone else and the harder I worked the higher marks I got. It became an obsession for me to be on the top 10. For no other reason than to show myself what I am capable of when I put my mind to it. I still remember the first time I got onto the top 10. In our school they called out the top 10 of every grade and you receive a pin you can wear. I was number 8 and even when I received that I had this disappointment of only being number 8 but the happiness was running high in my veins. At that time I phoned my boyfriend with such an excitement in my voice and I did not even get a congratulations or any form of gratification. The only thing I got was an irritated voice asking me if I checked my messages because he was asking me about something else. It made me feel hopeless as the only person I thought would be proud of me was busy with their own agenda and not even acknowledging my achievements. I also remember to this day that I shared a dream with them long ago of becoming a singer and I got a reply that it is an unrealistic dream that is worthless. That I should get a new dream. This was a deep scar I carried with me until I realized I was the one disapproving of my own singing and believing that I had stupid dreams that can never come true.
This was the theme of many of my relationships in my life. I was constantly looking for others to accept me for who I am because I was not approving of myself. I was the shadow attached to my feet being told where to go, how to move and what to do. I gave away my power to everyone around me and then blamed them for leaving me powerless. In my perception I was merely trying to put their needs first and somehow expected them to do the same for me. I was being selfless to a point that I turned into a chameleon without a spine. I was trying to hide parts of myself so deep because for one, I felt ashamed of them and also because I thought that no one would understand when I tell them. I thought no one else have ever felt the way I did. I was always trying to be happy but I would catch myself crying about nothing and then raging with anger to hide my sadness. I can’t say that I was a trouble child in the sense of rebelling. Even that I was too scared of. I used to be so scared of God that I was pushing down all of these questions that arised in me. My thoughts would always wonder outside of the box but my actions would never dare to go there.
Please don’t get me wrong I also had some great times while I was in high school. There were times where I was acting like I could be brave and bunked classes to chat with friends behind the hall where no one could find us and loved it. I was a cheerleader and I loved to dance but never thought that I deserved to be there, but the longing to fit in and to be liked won a few times.
I also loved to play hockey and I think the rage inside of me made me determined and good at it. I was always chasing that ball with everything I got and also trying to feel worthy by scoring a goal. The girly quarrels would drive me insane though. I had 2 friends there that I felt was on the same wavelength than I am, which made it worth it. I remember the one practice we were in grade 12 (last year of school) and it was one of the last practices we had. My friend and I went home to find a wine bottle open in the fridge from the weekend. We drank the wine and then went to hockey practice. We were both drunk for a few minutes and then just sick because we obviously got our heart rate up from running so much so it didn’t work out like we planned. But more than drinking alcohol since I was 17, I didn’t really do anything else that was not legal.
I never felt that I belonged in this age group. I could never talk about the things with so much interest in the same way they could. I lost interest very quickly to talk about what the other one was wearing and what the other one was doing over the weekend and everyone else seemed to be glued to these stories. I don’t know if I was perceived as being neutral but I never tried to make enemies or to say bad things about others. In saying that of course you have someone you don’t like and everyone knows about it.
There was a girl that I didn’t see eye to eye with and it was obvious because for an emotionally unstable girl like me I was quick to lose my temper and when it came to standing up for my friends I had no problem to become a bear with a sore tooth. I never really understood why we had this tension between us because there were times where we were not faking it but where we were really having fun together. If I could link it to my understanding now I would say it was the feeling of intimidation and that we could recognize some parts of ourselves in each other. Maybe some parts I was too scared to step into that she did very well and I became jealous because I was too scared to do so and resented it then. And I think visa versa also applied. In a way she was one of the people that pushed me to become a better version of myself and push myself to new levels even if it was at that time for the wrong reasons.
Looking back on this stage of my life I realize that I had so much to gain. My outlook on life during this stage was very neutral but this does not mean that I didn’t have some memorable times. I can now think back and appreciate the good moments even more because I understand that inner child that I was nurturing and trying to keep safe. That out of place, confused and unworthy parts of myself had to experience and attract the people and situations I did in order for me to get to the next point in my life when I finished high school and was off to university. The next part of my journey was for sure a theme park with and endless roller-coaster that missed the exit a few times. Read all about it in my next blog…
Until next time…